Clock is Ticking...

I don't like the mix of feelings gripping me lately. I didn't expect it. He notices, he's hurt, and I fail to have an adequate explanation. It's been 9 months, darling...... It's been so long....so very long....
I am afraid of what will happen when he steps back into my world. Not afraid of the good, but of the ugly, the stressful, the frusterating. Am afraid to face my marraige again, with all it's faults..... Life is so hard being alone, and yet so easy in ways. I'm afraid of the change. I love him, I want him home, but my heart is fighting it. Too afraid of the change. Too tired of change. Too settled into what life has become. And maybe a little bit bitter that he left in the first place.
Don't be hurt, hunny.... Be glad I've been faithful... and give me time to sort this out.....

"Bleeding Love" (Leona Lewis)

Does a person or situation ever effect a song for you in such a way that it suddenly means something which the artist/writer/producers never meant for it to mean?
I suppose that's the thing about music, though. It's objective for each person who hears it. We sing along and walk away with our own interpretation.
And though nobody will understand what this post is about, I have felt the need to post this for the last few days.
If I could take you out of your world and away from whatever demons have dug their claws into you, I would take you away. I would feed you cookies and milk and try so, so, so hard to fix you. It's isn't right. I have tried & tried to justify it, but it isn't right, what he does to you. What you want him to do to you. Your skin is so silky, so beautiful, like mocha cream. Your hair, a luscious cascade of brown. You are like a Greecian goddess, and should be sitting on a throne with men basking at your feet, begging to look into your eyes for only a moment. What has happened to you, what horrible pain consumed you or jaded you in this way?
Maybe I should feel worse for R, who, while being in your similar situation, will never be anywhere near as beautiful as you. Is it not worse for her? But something about you catches me and I cannot forget the things I have seen & heard. It was difficult to listen, it was shocking and offensive, and now I cannot forget.

Overslept

I overslept this morning. Isn't it the oddest phenomenon when you wake up, note the time is 11 AM or noon, know you've slept 10 hours, but can't fight the strange urge to roll over and KEEP sleeping? I'm not going to say it's ruins the day, but it makes my day a non-day. I feel groggy and wierd. Is it true that you can "catch up" on sleep? Or is that like brushing your teeth "really really really well" before the dentist appointment?
A few more weeks and I will find out for sure when my husband comes home for leave. It's been so long now...On the surface I am excited that he's coming home, but deep down inside, I have stopped believing I will ever see him again. Perhaps I will explode with excitement on the drive to the airport, finally accepting that YES, this reunion is going to take place. Somehow my life just became life without him. Maybe that seems harsh. I still love him, and I will welcome him home with proud, open arms. Still... my heart just gave up. It stopped believing. Or maybe it just layed itself down into dormancy, to try to stop hurting, to escape the pain.

My new pet, a grey pointed Himalayan (Persian). She's a funny, grumpy kitty. I love her to death.

Good Morning World

As I sit here with my lukewarm coffee, I wonder what today will bring. Almost giddy was I this morning, dropping my daughter off at daycare. My shift for today got cut, but I had already paid for a full day of daycare for her, so I have a day off - completely off. I might do some baking, which I usually do in huge spurts. Once a month or so I will bake 6 dozen or so cookies/brownies, etc. Thinking of packing some of it up and bringing it to my poor boss, who is forced to run the store alone today. This is just one way the state of the economy & the price of gas is effecting me. Nobody can afford to shop, and retail is hurting. When retail is hurting, they slice everybody's hours, forcing their management (salary) to work long, lonely hours. But for little Smudgy, the part time Chocolatier, it means less money but more time off. I think I'd rather have the hours. Still, it's nice to have a lazy day. There aren't enough of those in life, are there?

And they called her "Smudge"....

It's time to come back to Blogger.. So here I am again. Now it's time to make my page pretty, and then I will start making some entries with a little more substance.